There's gotta be something more.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-7

God has called us to something more. For months now I've been talking and discussing with people the desire for something more; something more than Sunday morning worship. something more than serving and leaving; something more than scripture, some songs, and a prayer. something more than coldly and solemnly passing around a plate, taking your portion, and sitting alone in prayer. something greater. something bigger.

I think that we have put God in a box and I say we because I am guilty as well. I know that we have put God in a box, and that box is called the church building. Don't get me wrong. I understand the importance of the assembly, but we're completely missing the point.

Sometimes I sit in my bible classes and listen to the professor and I think to myself, I'm probably going to have to talk to God about this when I get to heaven. I fear that when God is questioning me about the chapstick I stole in the 6th grade or the boy I got a little to close to, he's also going to be questioning me about the hours I've wasted in classes or studies talking about the mistakes the scribes made when copying the bibles or which translations is the best translations. The time we waste talking about these petty things is time that was not spent providing for the least of these.

I want to worship the right way, not so that I can say that I'm right and place myself above others, or so that I can say that anyone else is wrong for that matter. I want to worship the right way, the way that God instructed us, and the way that Jesus has shown us, so that I can fully experience that which God has called us to.

When I think of the church, and I'm pretty sure if you asked anyone who was not a part of the church, the first commandment that comes to mind would not be Love God, Love others. We've been given a task and it's simple but we've found anything and everything in between to distract and divide us, and for that reason, I think Satan has us right where he wants us. We argue about things that really have nothing to do with loving God or loving others and are causing division which is very clearly something that's not supposed to happen. We should be coming together for a greater cause, but rather we are separating over causes that are quite a bit smaller.

I don't know how we got to where we are now; this corporate worship. I think we've made it more about ourselves than anyone else. We have established a time slot on Sunday morning, night, and Wednesday evening to "go to church" instead of living our lives every day showing that we are the church. We pass around some plates and take our portion and individually observe the sacrifice that was made for us rather than sharing in a meal with one another and breaking bread together. We pass around a basket and "pay our dues" rather than offer up our possessions for the work of the Lord, or claiming nothing as our own but having all things in common. We have perfected it to that which is easiest.

And the devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. - Acts 2

I want awe to come upon my soul. I want to have a group of people that I call family that I can go to as I have need. I want to have all things in common and have favor with all people. I want to talk about how the Holy Spirit is working in my life and not be labeled as radical or charismatic with a negative connotation attached to it.

I want to be a part of a movement that goes back to the basics, that takes worship literally, that puts God at the center, and serves others. I want better than corporate, routine, and insensitive. I want to let the lion out of the cage. I want to be the church, not go to church. I want to stop talking and start doing. I want to have vision not dreams.

I'm sure you read all of that and think "yeah. right. how are you going to do that?"

I don't know how it's going to happen but what I do know is that I can't do it alone. We have the mind of Christ. That's a powerful thing. Let me illustrate. The same power that rose Jesus Christ from the dead, is flowing through and dwelling within us... yeah but we can't do big things.

Last time I checked, we can move mountains. So I think it's very possible that we can be the church that God called us to be from the beginning. I know that we can change the face of Christianity and be Jesus again. All we have to do is have a little faith and God will do all the work.

When all around my soul gives way

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”-Isaiah 55:8-9

Lately I've been feeling very uncomfortable. Not like an awkward uncomfortable or anything like that but just like I'm not where I belong, like some things just don't fit right. In these uncomfortable times, I feel very alone. There are people all around me most of the time, and yet I feel alone. I feel like no one understands or no one cares. I think I'm learning that God does this to force me to lean on Him and only Him.

Usually when something is wrong I run to another person to talk about it or to get my mind off of things. That or I just close myself off from the world. I need to run to God instead. Friends are good and they're here for me but God is my best friend and He will never leave my side. He's the one with the real answers and that's what I need to remember.

God knows better than I do. God knows better than anyone else does.

When I am yours alone

"Take my life. Take it all. I lay it at your throne. I am rich, satisfied, when I am yours alone. I have learned to live to lose. I have found my all in you. I count it all as loss, it's true, cause I have learned to live to lose.

Precious one, crucified, died to set me free. I hope nothing back from you, who gave it all for me. I have learned to live to lose. I have found my all in you. I count it all as loss, it's true, cause I have learned to live to lose.

Jesus you're the one, you're the only one for me. Jesus you're the one, you're the only one for me. Jesus you're the one, you're the only one for me. Jesus you're the one, you're the only one for me.

I have learned to live to lose. I have found my all in you. I count it all as loss, it's true. I have learned to live. Yes I have learned to live to lose. I have learned to live to lose."

In these past days I've felt the closest to God that I have ever been. Closer in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ than I have ever experienced in my life. Which is funny because in these past days I've never felt so far from this infinite being I call Father.

You see I'm finding that the more I learn about God, the less I already know, and the more there still is for me to learn. But you see that's what makes God, God. We will never know everything there is to know about Him. We will never be able to wrap our minds around everything that is God. We're supposed to believe in the power of the unknown. We're supposed to worship Him because of the very fact that we will never completely know him.

I can't do it. It drives me crazy. I thirst. I want more. I want it all and I want it now. I guess the problem is this: The less I know about God, the less I know about myself.

I want to find my all in Him. At the end of Proverbs 8, we're told that whoever finds God, finds life. I want to find life. It doesn't say that whoever knows everything about me, knows himself. It says whoever finds me, finds life. We're also told in Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek and find me, when you seek with all your heart."

When I get questions I need to find answers. I need to seek with all my heart because that is when I will find Him. That is when I will find myself in Him. That is when I will see the power of the unknown.

if we are the body, why aren't His arms reaching?

posted on facebook: July 16

1 Corinthians 8
Food Sacrificed to Idols
1 Now regarding your question about food that has been offered to idols. Yes, we know that “we all have knowledge” about this issue. But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church. 2 Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn’t really know very much. 3 But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes.

4 So, what about eating meat that has been offered to idols? Well, we all know that an idol is not really a god and that there is only one God. 5 There may be so-called gods both in heaven and on earth, and some people actually worship many gods and many lords. 6 But we know that there is only one God, the
Father, who created everything, and we live for him. And there is only one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom God made everything and through whom we have been given life.

7 However, not all believers know this. Some are accustomed to thinking of idols as being real, so when they eat food that has been offered to idols, they think of it as the worship of real gods, and their weak consciences are violated. 8 It’s true that we can’t win God’s approval by what we eat. We don’t lose anything if we don’t eat it, and we don’t gain anything if we do.

9 But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble. 10 For if others see you—with your “superior knowledge”—eating in the temple of an idol, won’t they be encouraged to violate their conscience by eating food that has been offered to an idol? 11 So because of your superior knowledge, a weak believer for whom Christ died will be destroyed. 12 And when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ. 13 So if what I eat causes another believer to sin, I will never eat meat again as long as I live—for I don’t want to cause another believer to stumble.

1 Corinthians 9
Paul Gives Up His Rights
1 Am I not as free as anyone else? Am I not an apostle? Haven’t I seen Jesus our Lord with my own eyes? Isn’t it because of my work that you belong to the Lord? 2 Even if others think I am not an apostle, I certainly am to you. You yourselves are proof that I am the Lord’s apostle.

3 This is my answer to those who question my authority. 4 Don’t we have the right to live in your homes and share your meals? 5 Don’t we have the right to bring a Christian wife with us as the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers do, and as Peter does? 6 Or is it only Barnabas and I who have to work to support ourselves?

7 What soldier has to pay his own expenses? What farmer plants a vineyard and doesn’t have the right to eat some of its fruit? What shepherd cares for a flock of sheep and isn’t allowed to drink some of the milk? 8 Am I expressing merely a human opinion, or does the law say the same thing? 9 For the law of Moses says, “You must not muzzle an ox to keep it from eating as it treads out the grain.” Was God thinking only about oxen when he said this? 10 Wasn’t he actually speaking to us? Yes, it was written for us, so that the one who plows and the one who threshes the grain might both expect a share of the harvest.

11 Since we have planted spiritual seed among you, aren’t we entitled to a harvest of physical food and drink? 12 If you support others who preach to you, shouldn’t we have an even greater right to be supported? But we have never used this right. We would rather put up with anything than be an obstacle to the Good News about Christ.

13 Don’t you realize that those who work in the temple get their meals from the offerings brought to the temple? And those who serve at the altar get a share of the sacrificial offerings. 14 In the same way, the Lord ordered that those who preach the Good News should be supported by those who benefit from it. 15 Yet I have never used any of these rights. And I am not writing this to suggest that I want to start now. In fact, I would rather die than lose my right to boast about preaching without charge. 16 Yet preaching the Good News is not something I can boast about. I am compelled by God to do it. How terrible for me if I didn’t preach the Good News!

17 If I were doing this on my own initiative, I would deserve payment. But I have no choice, for God has given me this sacred trust. 18 What then is my pay? It is the opportunity to preach the Good News without charging anyone. That’s why I never demand my rights when I preach the Good News.

19 Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. 20 When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. Even though I am not subject to the law, I did this so I could bring to Christ those who are under the law. 21 When I am with the Gentiles who do not follow the Jewish law, I too live apart from that law so I can bring them to Christ. But I do not ignore the law of God; I obey the law of Christ.

22 When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. 23 I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.

24 Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! 25 All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. 26 So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. 27 I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.

1 Corinthians 10
Lessons from Israel’s Idolatry
1 I don’t want you to forget, dear brothers and sisters, about our ancestors in the wilderness long ago. All of them were guided by a cloud that moved ahead of them, and all of them walked through the sea on dry ground. 2 In the cloud and in the sea, all of them were baptized as followers of Moses. 3 All of them ate the same spiritual food, 4 and all of them drank the same spiritual water. For they drank from the spiritual rock that traveled with them, and that rock was Christ. 5 Yet God was not pleased with most of them, and their bodies were scattered in the wilderness.

6 These things happened as a warning to us, so that we would not crave evil things as they did, 7 or worship idols as some of them did. As the Scriptures say, “The people celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.” 8 And we must not engage in sexual immorality as some of them did, causing 23,000 of them to die in one day.

9 Nor should we put Christ to the test, as some of them did and then died from snakebites. 10 And don’t grumble as some of them did, and then were destroyed by the angel of death. 11 These things happened to them as examples for us. They were written down to warn us who live at the end of the age.

12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

14 So, my dear friends, flee from the worship of idols. 15 You are reasonable people. Decide for yourselves if what I am saying is true. 16 When we bless the cup at the Lord’s Table, aren’t we sharing in the blood of Christ? And when we break the bread, aren’t we sharing in the body of Christ? 17 And though we are many, we all eat from one loaf of bread, showing that we are one body. 18 Think about the people of Israel. Weren’t they united by eating the sacrifices at the altar?

19 What am I trying to say? Am I saying that food offered to idols has some significance, or that idols are real gods? 20 No, not at all. I am saying that these sacrifices are offered to demons, not to God. And I don’t want you to participate with demons. 21 You cannot drink from the cup of the Lord and from the cup of demons, too. You cannot eat at the Lord’s Table and at the table of demons, too. 22 What? Do we dare to rouse the Lord’s jealousy? Do you think we are stronger than he is?

23 You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. 24 Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.

25 So you may eat any meat that is sold in the marketplace without raising questions of conscience. 26 For “the earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.”

27 If someone who isn’t a believer asks you home for dinner, accept the invitation if you want to. Eat whatever is offered to you without raising questions of conscience. 28 (But suppose someone tells you, “This meat was offered to an idol.” Don’t eat it, out of consideration for the conscience of the one who told you. 29 It might not be a matter of conscience for you, but it is for the other person.) For why should my freedom be limited by what someone else thinks? 30 If I can thank God for the food and enjoy it, why should I be condemned for eating it?

31 So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 32 Don’t give offense to Jews or Gentiles or the church of God. 33 I, too, try to please everyone in everything I do. I don’t just do what is best for me; I do what is best for others so that many may be saved.

I had an amazing conversation with Paola yesterday. We talked about so much and it just encouraged me! I love talking to her and sharing ideas and thoughts. I shared some of my struggles with her and she led me to these scriptures. You may not see how they are significant to anything today, but if you look they really are. There is some awesome stuff in there. Read it. Believe it. Live it.

Everything'll be alright

This morning I was thinking about a scripture I fell in love with last summer.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

This was really powerful to me. Eric had it on the back of a picture he had in his bible. I thought it was so cool. It's so true too. The more threads there are in a cord, the stronger it is.

Well this summer, a year later, I've come to a realization. Any cord, no matter how thick has an end. Even if it's melted together, or tied there is a weak point in the cord. So at any point in time, after wear and tear and every day use, or if any stress is put on it, this point could begin to deteriorate and the threads can quickly unravel. If the threads aren't working together on the same goals, or headed in the same direction they're not so strong anymore.

I feel like my strongest cord, the one I love so much, the one that's made of all my favorite colors, has fallen apart. I don't know if it can be put back together. That breaks my heart.

Some things in this life are only temporary. That's why we fix our eyes on things that are unseen. I'm just glad I could have it as long as I did.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Packing my bags and I'm hitting the road...

posted on facebook: July 10

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

Life is tough but it doesn't matter. I'm leaning on Him. He'll bring me through it.

11 Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
Psalm 27:11-14

1 month. 1 week. 5 days. ♥

but you will be safe in my arms...

posted on facebook: May 13

So prom is on Friday and apparently that means it's drunk driving week. We had an assembly yesterday and then a drunk driving simulator. That wasn't too bad. Kinda the same old same old. The simulator was cool the first time but then it was just repetitive. Today on the other hand was kind of eye-opening. Not in a oh man I have a problem I need help kind of way because well, I don't drink or do drugs, but in a hey God you're awesome kind of way. :]

You see there was a panel of recovering addicts. Addictions from cocaine to alcohol. Sobriety from 1 week to 6 years. Each person got up and gave their testimony. Hi I'm so and so, I've been sober for 6 months, this is how I started, this is how I got help. Four of the six people graduated from Truman. Two of which I remember seeing in the halls. None of which I expected to see up there telling me about AA.

I started getting a little anxious when my butt grew sore from sitting in the wooden seats. I was pretty fidgety trying to find a comfortable spot. I sat there thinking why am I here? Why is this such a big deal?

Then Ashley, the third one to speak was talking to us. She was saying how she got to a point where it was go get high again and die, or pull into the parking lot of Truman and get help. She talked about how she changed her way of life and how this problem that she had was so much bigger than her. How she needed a higher power, and her higher power is God. She said she gets on her knees and prays every day for God to help her be strong, to help her overcome this addiction.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.
- Jeremiah 29:12-14

Another guy, Matt, told us a story about how his step dad wanted him to come to the casino with him. He knew that he shouldn't, but as soon as his step dad said it would be fine, he started to doubt his choice. Hey maybe it will be fine. Maybe I can just go. But he knew inside he couldn't. He said he prayed the whole way there for God to help him, for God to tell him what to do. Matt isn't 21 yet, but he knew that the place they were going let underage people in all the time. I guess not when those underage people have God on their side. His step dad tried everything to get him in, but those guys in the red coats would not let it happen. I bet there were wings under those red coats.

So as I left that auditorium, thinking about everything I just heard, I realized why I was there. There was one common strength among all of those people. God.

God was speaking to me. God was speaking to me through a group of alcoholics. Through a group of Him. I left ashamed that my relationship with my Father isn't as good as theirs. It shouldn't take a disease taking our lives over to see that God is all we need. I shouldn't have to hit rock bottom before I get down on my knees and ask for help.

I thought it was so awesome to see these people who were just like me and my peers. They were just like the people I talk to every day who I think would want nothing to do with God.

One of the major points the panel made was that people go to alcohol because they hate themselves. The alcohol made them feel like they were a better person, the person they wanted to be, but with the help of AA they realized what they were doing and now they really are themselves, living the lives they want to live. Well today I realized that I'm not living the life I want to live. No I don't hate myself. No I don't use alcohol to make me who I want to be. But I do hold back because of what people might think about me. I need to start living like Jesus. Seeing God in every person and hoping that they want to know Him, unafraid of persecution. You never know who wants, or more importantly NEEDS God. So I'm gonna skip the whole alcoholic part and go straight to the live a better life part.

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
- 1 Chronicles 28:20

I guess another reason I was so wowed by the assembly was because of the open use of God and the idea of a relationship with Him in school. It's ok to talk about Him when we're addicted to something and need Him to help us out, but other then that He's useless. No one broke out in offense because a higher power was being talked about. No one debated their ideas. It's crazy that someone so big and great can help so many people beat addiction, but He can't be talked about in school.

For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners. - Matthew 9:13

God speaks to us in many ways. You have to open your eyes and find Him. Find Him in the alcohols at AA. Find Him in the orphans in Honduras. Find Him in your mom.

I pray that we all open our eyes to blessings God has given us. That we all see how much we take for granted and we be thank for it. I pray that we see Jesus everywhere. That we put on our Jesus glasses and love everyone.

Tomorrow is the mock crash. I'm sure I'll cry a lot. It's going to be a rough day.

The future freaks me out

So today in art class we brainstormed about the future. I never realized how much it bugs me until just then. I found myself becoming very pessimistic very quickly.

What do you see in the future? In the next 100 years, what will transportation be like? how will food change? what will be different about people?

My ears opened to a slew of answers from my peers. As they brainstormed and put their ideas on paper, I heard them discuss. Robots are going to do everything. Our thumbs are going to get longer. Towns are going to float in the sky. Aliens are going to come to earth.

I don't like to think about the future, because I know that we aren't guaranteed anything. Tomorrow is not a definite. Don't get me wrong, I have plans for my own future. I'm going to college in the fall and I cannot wait. I want a husband and a family some day. I want to travel all over the world. There are a lot of things I want to do in my lifetime, but I prefer to live in the moment.

It bugs me when people talk about things like pigs flying, aliens coming, or the ozone disappearing. I think they have every right to have an imagination and think what they want, but I also think it can be a waste of time. If these things haven't happened in the past hundred years, why would they happen in these hundred years? Realistically I think that things are simply going to stay the same. I think that people will always want more money and more power. I believe everyone is on their own pursuit of happiness. Whether or not we reach our goals, we're all going to die. After that it all depends on what you believe.

I believe that scientists could have easily had cures for many diseases by now, but the drug companies make more money selling the drugs that keep those people alive then they would off of a cure, so they will not fund the research. Drug companies care more about making money than saving people's lives.

I believe that a car could be made that runs on anything but gas. In the 70's the world was scared that we would run out of gas. People today talk about the gas shortage and how it is going to cause war. We all know how much gas prices have gone up. I think that a car has already been invented that can run on water, but the gas companies bought the idea and squashed it because it would kill their business. There are hybrid cars that run on ethanol but where do you see an ethanol station? Gas companies would rather charge an arm and a leg for a gallon of gas than allow other options.

I believe that a man named Jesus Christ came to this earth, lived, and died to give us a better way. I believe that this world is going to end someday. It is going to be destroyed and so are all the people that are left on it. I believe that after we die there is going to be a heaven and there is going to be a hell. I believe that we are all here for a reason, and that reason is not to make money and get ahead. I believe we are here to love one another, and to share the word of God.

I think it would be cool if pigs flew. I think it's possible for the ozone layer to be destroyed. I do have an imagination, I promise, but I use it for what I see as better things. I like to think of a generation that changes the world one person at a time. I think we need to stop worrying about technology and making money, and start caring about our neighbor. The world has taken the survival of the fittest theory right into the office. People walk all over each other to get themselves higher on the ladder.

I believe that our generation cares about each other, but that's not cool so they don't act upon their feelings. I believe that we can change the world, but we're too scared. It's time to step up and make this world a place that we love and believe in. It starts with you. Do something for someone else and see what happens.

I know that just as much as I disagree with those in my art class who believe in aliens, and flying pigs, and all that jazz, people disagree with me. I know that this is mostly a rant on my feelings, but you chose to read it, so something interested you. I know that some may find parts of this article hypocritical, but I'm not saying anyone has to believe what I believe, or do what I say. I'm just asking you to think. Think about what's important to you, and what you want out of life. Think about your future and if you want it to include aliens and robots, or peace and love.

Create in me a Pure Heart

I've had a lot of thoughts lately and I haven't shared in a while. Theres some good stuff in this head for once, so I thought I'd get it down and share it with you all. :]

I've started reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye again, and this time my goal is to finish it. I've realized that one of the relationships I've been holding onto was heading in the wrong direction, and it was not glorifying God. I told him my thoughts and like a good friend, he's been understanding, and I think things are going to work out for us to have a strong, pure friendship again.

In my reading last night Joshua Harris shared a dream of his, and it really touched my heart so I wanted to share it with you, and then share my thoughts.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: "Books I Have Read," "Lies I have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I Have Yelled At My Brothers." hers I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in Anger," "Things I Have Muttered under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprise by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes there were fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I cam to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my head against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

How amazing is that? Jesus Christ has done exactly that for each one of us, and so many people take His love for granted. I don't know what else there is to say. Jesus Christ died for you. He took all your sins with Him on the cross. So it's time for you to take up your cross and follow Him. All you have to do is seek Him with your whole heart.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:13

I haven't been seeking with my whole heart lately. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't really been seeking much at all. I was taking small steps away from God that I rationalized. But rationalizing doesn't bring me closer to God. Small steps in the wrong direction will still take me to the wrong place.

If I want to live my life for God and be the hands of Jesus everywhere I go, I need to start right here, right now, even if I'm not where I want to be.

You see this has been my biggest struggle. My heart is in another place. I don't want to be in high school anymore. I don't want to be in Levittown living with my family. I want to be at Ohio Valley University. I want to be surrounded by a community of like-minded, spiritual people. But guess what! There is a time for everything!

Last summer I wanted to go on a mission trip to Haiti, but I wasn't allowed. I read Ecclesiastes 3 and said ok God, There's a time for Maria to go to Haiti, and there is a time for her to stay here. Well I was talking to Sam about all of this tonight and I told myself how is this any different from right now? I didn't go to Haiti last summer because God had different things on my schedule for that summer. I spent some precious time with my beloved sister Holly! I never would have experienced those things or grown close to her if I had gone to Haiti. So if He had other things in mind for me then, He has a plan now too!

There is a time for Maria to go to OVU and there is time for her to stay here.

I know that God has a plan for me, but I wasn't seeking out His plan for me in the here and now, I was looking forward to the plans He has in my future, and neglecting the opportunities I have right in front have me. I want to change that right now. I want to try and seek out His will. I know there is a reason I'm here and I want to do it!


Another thought I came across this morning started in bible class. We read in Matthew 9 when the Pharisees asked why Jesus was eating with the tax collectors and sinners.

When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
- Matthew 12-13
Like I did with the story of the rich young ruler, I just took this for what it said, and never really thought about it further. Well this morning, Jon explained to us that he thought there was a little more to it. He said that the Pharisees thought they had it all in the bag. They thought they were good to go and fine with God. While the sinners and tax collectors were seeking Jesus out. That's why He said "I have come to call out not those who THINK they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

I couldn't help but compare this to the world today. It's not exactly the same but I think it's pretty close. People in America think they have things all figured out. They have the best job, the hottest wife, the nicest car. Who needs God when you have all that right?

Well the people in Africa, Haiti, Honduras, third world countries all over are dying to know Jesus Christ. They are seeking Him with everything they have, not just their whole hearts.

I know that everyone deserves to know the Gospel. God wants a personal relationship with each person on this earth. But I can't help but wonder which of these two groups of people Jesus would be ministering to.

Just a thought.


I'm sorry that I write so much. It's just so easy to do. I hope you enjoy my thoughts, and if you'd like to share yours with me, I'd love to hear them :]

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas if I didn't talk to you already. Thanks guys!

look back for a yearly recap :]

Waiting on the World to Change

These past few weeks have flown by. I find myself using that phrase a lot lately. Everything seems like it's happening so quickly. Two months ago I would have been happy about this statement, but my feelings are starting to change. I've foolishly been wishing my year away because this year doesn't matter to me. I just want to be at school already. Well that's stupid of me. I have a purpose in this year. There is something I'm supposed to be doing. If nothing else I need to be spending my time wisely and growing closer to my God. I pray that from this point on I'm thankful for the time I have here at home and that I make use of it.

I have spent some precious time with some amazing people on my weekends. The first weekend in October I went to the Ladies' Retreat. It wasn't quite what I expected, but God was working on my heart. I met some amazing, inspiring women. Alicia Williamson was the speaker. She went to Harding. Her, her husband, and three other couples came up to New Jersey and planted a church after they graduated. They left everything they had, came to this place where they seemingly knew no one and spread God's word and love. She gave some good stories to use as a comparison as how we can view God. He could be holding a magnifying glass close to our face, viewing all of our imperfections and pointing them out disgustingly; or He could be a father who is holding us, his new born baby, in his arms, and he's looking in wonder at the parts of us he has perfectly made. I pray that we can all see our God as a loving God who made us just the way He wanted us.

The weekend after that I was in Pittsburgh for God's Girls :] This was an amazing weekend. I got to spend some great time with Jenna, Julie, and Tiana. I had amazing conversations with Jenna and just grew closer to her in our friendship. I took a prayer walk that made me see that I'm wasting my time away. I spent irreplaceable time with my girls from WV! Each one of them has touched my life and brought me closer to God. I had the best birthday I've had in a long time. We stayed for small group at Chris and Jenna's when we got back which was powerful and due to lack of a better word, educational.

Last weekend I was brought back home, to camp, for Stand Your Ground. SYG has become such an amazing spiritual experience. I loved everything about it this year. Adam was such a great speaker. I loved everything that he said. I spent some more time with Cookie Poo :] and Anna, and some new girls I met from WV. One of my favorite things was the way the invitation was done. I feel like the invitation has become such a task. People who need help and prayers are too afraid of judgment to go up. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

It's neat to look at where I was on my walk at SYG last year, and where I was this year. Last year God pricked my heart. He woke me up and said Maria you're not doing things right. Songs brought tears to my eyes as I listened to the words and saw the mistakes I was making. This year I'm of course not perfect, but I am stronger in my faith, and tears were brought to my eyes again, but this time because of the reality of the words, and my overwhelming feelings of love.

God continues to bless me everyday. I walk in the wrong direction and He brings me back. I curse His name and He calls me His own. God's love and grace is real. I see it everyday.

One of the things that stuck with me most about this past weekend was at the end of the retreat when we all sat there feeling loved and moved, Matt and Adam talked about how there were enough people in that room, that if we all got it, if we all understand what was being said to us, we could change the world. We could change the world. God's waiting for one generation to rise up and make the world His again. We could be that generation.

I want so badly to change the world. I want so badly to get people off their butts and wake them up. Everyday I look at the way this world is changing and the things going on around me, and it scares me. I don't know if I want to live here 20 years from now if the world keeps heading in this direction. But how do I light a fire? How do I get the dominoes to start falling in line to change this world? How do we become that generation?

Changing the world isn't something that just happens over night. It would take a lot. I get that. But where do you even start?!

I don't know. I know that nothing is impossible with God. If I want to change the world I can do it, but it sure feels impossible.