Create in me a Pure Heart

I've had a lot of thoughts lately and I haven't shared in a while. Theres some good stuff in this head for once, so I thought I'd get it down and share it with you all. :]

I've started reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye again, and this time my goal is to finish it. I've realized that one of the relationships I've been holding onto was heading in the wrong direction, and it was not glorifying God. I told him my thoughts and like a good friend, he's been understanding, and I think things are going to work out for us to have a strong, pure friendship again.

In my reading last night Joshua Harris shared a dream of his, and it really touched my heart so I wanted to share it with you, and then share my thoughts.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: "Books I Have Read," "Lies I have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I Have Yelled At My Brothers." hers I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in Anger," "Things I Have Muttered under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprise by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes there were fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I cam to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my head against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

How amazing is that? Jesus Christ has done exactly that for each one of us, and so many people take His love for granted. I don't know what else there is to say. Jesus Christ died for you. He took all your sins with Him on the cross. So it's time for you to take up your cross and follow Him. All you have to do is seek Him with your whole heart.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:13

I haven't been seeking with my whole heart lately. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't really been seeking much at all. I was taking small steps away from God that I rationalized. But rationalizing doesn't bring me closer to God. Small steps in the wrong direction will still take me to the wrong place.

If I want to live my life for God and be the hands of Jesus everywhere I go, I need to start right here, right now, even if I'm not where I want to be.

You see this has been my biggest struggle. My heart is in another place. I don't want to be in high school anymore. I don't want to be in Levittown living with my family. I want to be at Ohio Valley University. I want to be surrounded by a community of like-minded, spiritual people. But guess what! There is a time for everything!

Last summer I wanted to go on a mission trip to Haiti, but I wasn't allowed. I read Ecclesiastes 3 and said ok God, There's a time for Maria to go to Haiti, and there is a time for her to stay here. Well I was talking to Sam about all of this tonight and I told myself how is this any different from right now? I didn't go to Haiti last summer because God had different things on my schedule for that summer. I spent some precious time with my beloved sister Holly! I never would have experienced those things or grown close to her if I had gone to Haiti. So if He had other things in mind for me then, He has a plan now too!

There is a time for Maria to go to OVU and there is time for her to stay here.

I know that God has a plan for me, but I wasn't seeking out His plan for me in the here and now, I was looking forward to the plans He has in my future, and neglecting the opportunities I have right in front have me. I want to change that right now. I want to try and seek out His will. I know there is a reason I'm here and I want to do it!


Another thought I came across this morning started in bible class. We read in Matthew 9 when the Pharisees asked why Jesus was eating with the tax collectors and sinners.

When Jesus heard this, he said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.” Then he added, “Now go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
- Matthew 12-13
Like I did with the story of the rich young ruler, I just took this for what it said, and never really thought about it further. Well this morning, Jon explained to us that he thought there was a little more to it. He said that the Pharisees thought they had it all in the bag. They thought they were good to go and fine with God. While the sinners and tax collectors were seeking Jesus out. That's why He said "I have come to call out not those who THINK they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."

I couldn't help but compare this to the world today. It's not exactly the same but I think it's pretty close. People in America think they have things all figured out. They have the best job, the hottest wife, the nicest car. Who needs God when you have all that right?

Well the people in Africa, Haiti, Honduras, third world countries all over are dying to know Jesus Christ. They are seeking Him with everything they have, not just their whole hearts.

I know that everyone deserves to know the Gospel. God wants a personal relationship with each person on this earth. But I can't help but wonder which of these two groups of people Jesus would be ministering to.

Just a thought.


I'm sorry that I write so much. It's just so easy to do. I hope you enjoy my thoughts, and if you'd like to share yours with me, I'd love to hear them :]

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas if I didn't talk to you already. Thanks guys!

look back for a yearly recap :]

Waiting on the World to Change

These past few weeks have flown by. I find myself using that phrase a lot lately. Everything seems like it's happening so quickly. Two months ago I would have been happy about this statement, but my feelings are starting to change. I've foolishly been wishing my year away because this year doesn't matter to me. I just want to be at school already. Well that's stupid of me. I have a purpose in this year. There is something I'm supposed to be doing. If nothing else I need to be spending my time wisely and growing closer to my God. I pray that from this point on I'm thankful for the time I have here at home and that I make use of it.

I have spent some precious time with some amazing people on my weekends. The first weekend in October I went to the Ladies' Retreat. It wasn't quite what I expected, but God was working on my heart. I met some amazing, inspiring women. Alicia Williamson was the speaker. She went to Harding. Her, her husband, and three other couples came up to New Jersey and planted a church after they graduated. They left everything they had, came to this place where they seemingly knew no one and spread God's word and love. She gave some good stories to use as a comparison as how we can view God. He could be holding a magnifying glass close to our face, viewing all of our imperfections and pointing them out disgustingly; or He could be a father who is holding us, his new born baby, in his arms, and he's looking in wonder at the parts of us he has perfectly made. I pray that we can all see our God as a loving God who made us just the way He wanted us.

The weekend after that I was in Pittsburgh for God's Girls :] This was an amazing weekend. I got to spend some great time with Jenna, Julie, and Tiana. I had amazing conversations with Jenna and just grew closer to her in our friendship. I took a prayer walk that made me see that I'm wasting my time away. I spent irreplaceable time with my girls from WV! Each one of them has touched my life and brought me closer to God. I had the best birthday I've had in a long time. We stayed for small group at Chris and Jenna's when we got back which was powerful and due to lack of a better word, educational.

Last weekend I was brought back home, to camp, for Stand Your Ground. SYG has become such an amazing spiritual experience. I loved everything about it this year. Adam was such a great speaker. I loved everything that he said. I spent some more time with Cookie Poo :] and Anna, and some new girls I met from WV. One of my favorite things was the way the invitation was done. I feel like the invitation has become such a task. People who need help and prayers are too afraid of judgment to go up. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

It's neat to look at where I was on my walk at SYG last year, and where I was this year. Last year God pricked my heart. He woke me up and said Maria you're not doing things right. Songs brought tears to my eyes as I listened to the words and saw the mistakes I was making. This year I'm of course not perfect, but I am stronger in my faith, and tears were brought to my eyes again, but this time because of the reality of the words, and my overwhelming feelings of love.

God continues to bless me everyday. I walk in the wrong direction and He brings me back. I curse His name and He calls me His own. God's love and grace is real. I see it everyday.

One of the things that stuck with me most about this past weekend was at the end of the retreat when we all sat there feeling loved and moved, Matt and Adam talked about how there were enough people in that room, that if we all got it, if we all understand what was being said to us, we could change the world. We could change the world. God's waiting for one generation to rise up and make the world His again. We could be that generation.

I want so badly to change the world. I want so badly to get people off their butts and wake them up. Everyday I look at the way this world is changing and the things going on around me, and it scares me. I don't know if I want to live here 20 years from now if the world keeps heading in this direction. But how do I light a fire? How do I get the dominoes to start falling in line to change this world? How do we become that generation?

Changing the world isn't something that just happens over night. It would take a lot. I get that. But where do you even start?!

I don't know. I know that nothing is impossible with God. If I want to change the world I can do it, but it sure feels impossible.

Jesus Freak

So we're doing a project in Journalism class. We had to find 5 events in between a certain time period, blah blah blah. It's more complicated than it should be, and all that doesn't really matter. What does matter is this...

One of the events I chose was the Columbine shooting. We had to give a short summary of what happened, and what role journalism would have played. Do you believe it's been 8 years since the shooting? I mean surely it did not effect me directly, but I remember that day very clearly.

I got home from school that day and the news was on. My sister was crying, and my mom was watching intently. I had no idea what was going on. I couldn't even fathom the concept of a school shooting really, but I knew that it was bad. I knew that something was happening.

A year or two ago I read the book, Rachel's Tears. This book told some of the story of Rachel Joy Scott, a victim of the shooting. For a long time I put this whole story off. It touched me, and I thought it was awesome that in the face of death, she looked in the devil's eyes, and was faithful to her God, but I have a deeper appreciation now that I am further in my own faith.

It makes me wonder and evaluate myself. Would I have said yes? Do I have what it takes to be a modern day martyr? to be a "Jesus Freak"? I sure hope so.

Paul tells us in Philippians that to live is Christ and to die is gain. To die is gain! This is one of my favorite verses, because it assures me that this world is not my home. There is something much greater in store for me. So I pray that I have the endurance to make it through and receive my prize, or if God's plan for me is to be a martyr, that I can give my life for Him.

I'll probably post about this again.

Jesus is my homeboy?

So today in English class we were talking about heroes. Different names were thrown out there. People were discussing and questions were brought up. My class is a large one, and we all pretty much know each other, so we joke around a lot. The class was serious for the most part, until my friend Mark stated, "I think Jesus is a pretty cool guy." Most of the class laughed. Mark was in fact being serious, he just happened to say it in a lighter way. Other religious figures were said as well, such as Mother Theresa. So why is it that when the hero of them all is said, it must be a joke? When I brought it up at lunch, some people said maybe it's because Mark was serious but whoever said Mother Theresa wasn't, and made other excuses for those who laughed. It shouldn't matter if he were joking or not. I don't know, this whole situation really bugged me.

We talked about what makes a person worth while. People said attitude, school, independence, and other things of this sort. What makes me worth while? morals, spirituality, personality. Why were none of these things said? Maybe it's because there is no morality in this world anymore. I spoke to Summer yesterday. She's reading a book about the Millennials, my generation. According to this book, we are a "wanted" generation, where as the X-ers, the prior generation, were not. We work as a team, we are others minded, we go to college, we care about shaping our lives, not just the here and now, and we are more moral than the X-ers. Most of the Truman population does not meet many of these statements, at least in my opinion. I don't know if I hold my standards too high, or I don't know enough of the population, but I'm just not seeing it.

I guess the X-ers must have been really immoral, because from what I've seen the bar can't be very high, or we wouldn't be beating it. Many MANY sexually active teens, language out the wazoo, disrespect to elders, and an I don't care attitude is what I see and hear most about.

I don't know. I guess the environment and people I'm around at school is only a small percentage of the Millennials generation. Maybe they're more moral in NYC or LA. One can only hope, that there is a hope.


On the life side...
School is going very well. I am in all the classes I wanted to be except for one, which I don't technically have a class for yet, but hopefully I will be in piano lab. I'm re-making old friends. I'm having fun.

Volleyball is going really well. Our group of girls works pretty well together, and have a generally good attitude. We won our game against CAP yesterday. We lost against Neshaminy today, but played really well. I had some good stuff happen. Mr.A gave me some good news. I'm pumped for the season in general, and thinking about my volleyball future.

Rich Young Ruler

I've had some thoughts today. One of them was that I should share my thoughts on here more often. I want to turn this blog more into my writing blog and notebook of sorts rather than a daily diary of what's going on in my life. I'll still talk about what's going on, but I just want to write more. Maybe I should check copyright stuff though!

In the teen class this morning we read about the rich young ruler. I've heard the story before and thought nothing of it. Today I actually listened to what I read. Part of me wishes I could just as Jesus what I'm lacking, so I can fix it, and know there is nothing between me and eternal life. Part of me wishes I could drop everything I have and follow Jesus. Can you imagine being an apostle? Seeing the miracles and hearing the parables right there in front of you? Having Jesus physically there as your best friend?

I have given my life to Jesus. I have made Him my best friend. I love Him with all my heart, and I pray that that love just grows stronger. I know in my heart that I want to live my life as God has intended me to, and glorify Him in all that I do. But how do I know that that's enough?

After we read this Mr. Dave asked the usual, well does this mean we can't have money, we can't do anything, we need to sit at home and pray and read our bibles all the time? no. Well what doe sit mean then? God is numero uno. Well what if you want to play on this amazing soccer team and all the practices, all the games are on Sunday? You find another team! This isn't a hard decision at all.

I surely am not a rich young ruler, and I am not perfect, but if I was told to give all my stuff to the poor and follow Jesus today, I can honestly say I would. I think that's one thing I've really grown to understand and hold in my heart. Nothing comes between me and my God. I love my family, I love my friends, but ultimately I am here to live my life for God, share His love, and be with Him. God is number one on my list and I pray that He always stays there. I sometimes get frustrated that it's so hard for people to get this. I mean I'm not perfect. I don't go to church at every appointed time and every activity. I don't read and pray as much as I should, but I surely would not pick soccer or anything else over church. I quit marching band because I wanted to go to more retreats and events. I don't want a cookie, but this life is only temporary! This opens my eyes to how much Satan is the God of this world.


On a more worldly note, I did a fund raising coin toss today for volleyball. I was amused by the nature of my fellow Americans, and their anxiousness to leave the grocery store when they see me with a bucket in my hand. I don't understand why people are so attached to the two dollars change they got after shopping. I wrote in article about it so I don't have as much to say. I said it all already. The only thing I couldn't talk about was how rude and annoying the Courier Times lately was at the store. Bashing the newspaper you're writing for isn't the best idea.

School starts Tuesday, and I'm not gonna lie...I can't wait!

Summer told me that I should get my acceptance letter in the next month or so. I still check the mail every single day.

I had a nice conversation with Chris about OVU. It made me happy to think about home =]

The mosquitoes in this house are beginning to drive me insane.

Tomorrow is the last official day of summer I suppose. It doesn't bother me much. My summer was over when I got home a month ago. The only hard part will be getting up at 6 or so and making my self look good for school.

I'll be 18 in a month or so. Most people say they feel no change. I don't feel any different, but I am noticing some changes.

some songs and thoughts

These are some songs that have been special to me lately. I thought I'd share them with you, along with some thoughts about them. It's pretty long. What can I say?

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall.
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed.
You watched my team win, you watched my team lose.
You watched when my bicycle went down again.
And when I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call you by name.
And I said elbow healer, super hero, come if you can.
And you said I am.

Only sixteen, life is so mean.
What kind of curfew is at ten p.m.?
You saw my mistakes, you watched my heart break.
Heard when I swore I'd never love again.
When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call you by name.
And I said heartache healer, secret keeper, be my best friend.
And you said I am.

You saw me wear white, by a pale candle light.
I said forever to what lies ahead.
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream.
Too much it might seem when it's two a.m.
And when I am weak, unable to speak, still I will call you by name.
Oh Shepard, Savior, pasture maker, hold on to my hand.
You say I am.

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us.
So we find a foothold that's familiar,
and bless the moments that we feel you nearer.
When life had begun I was woven and spun.
you'd let the angels dance around the throne,
and who can say when, but they'll dance again
when I am free and finally headed home.
I will be weak, unable to speak, still I will call you by name.
Creator, maker, life sustainer, comforter, healer,
my redeemer, Lord and King, beginning and the end.
I am. Yes I am.

-Nichole Nordeman.I am

As I sat in the gazebo, in the heart of Camp Manatawny, with the sun shining on me, it warmed my soul. He was there every day. He IS there every day. But what softened my heart was this song, when Donna played it during class last summer. That class changed my life and opened my eyes to what an amazing God is at my fingertips, who wants my love. My eyes were opened and I saw all the possibilities that were there for me, but I didn't understand. This summer was like the next step. God took what I had learned last summer, and put it into play. My heart was open and softened last summer, I knew something was missing, I knew I needed more, and I needed to do more, and now it has all fallen into place. I feel complete, and ready to live my life for Him. It's crazy how perfect His timing is. It's just like a good TV show. In the beginning there are some boring episodes, and it seems like the plot is moving so slow, or the episodes seem like there is no meat, no climax, and just as you're about to stop watching, it all comes together, and you see that the boring ones were just setting you up for something much, much bigger. The only difference is for my life that bigger better thing isn't a reunited family, it isn't a renewed love for an old boyfriend, it isn't an old friend brought back into the picture...It's eternal life with my God =]

Can I sing you a song, about what happens when you're gone?
My whole world seems to fall, and I don't feel like myself at all.
I must confess that it's true. That I'm nothing without you.
We're two souls turned into one, cause without you I feel undone.

Can I sing you a song, about what happens when you're gone?
Everything around comes crashing down, and I find myself on the ground.
I must confess that it's true. That I'm nothing without you.
We are two souls turned into one, cause without you I feel undone.

I must confess that it's true. That I'm nothing without you.
We are two souls turned into one, cause without you I feel undone.

-Shawn McDonald.Confess

I feel that this song explains my relationship with my God. I have grown so close to Him, closer then I've ever been. I pray that that closeness continues to grow, and that I never let it go. I would be nothing without Him. He gave me life, so I give mine up to Him. I pray that I fulfill His will for me, that I be the light he wants me to be.

The more I seek you, the more I find you.
The more I find you, the more I love you.
I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat.
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

The more I seek you, the more I find you.
The more I find you, the more I love you.
I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat.
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat.
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace.

Oh I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back and against you and breath, feel your heart beat.
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace.

-Kari Jobe.The More I Seek You

This song just touches a soft spot on my heart. I pray that I can love this deep. I pray that I seek God with all my heart and love him so much that this world doesn't matter anymore. Paul comes to mind. In Phillipians Paul says to live is Christ and to die is gain. To die is gain? I know that heaven is unimaginably better then where we are now, but I could not truly say that I would rather be there with all my heart, because I have so many earthly desires, so many selfish dreams. I pray that I too can say the things Paul says, and have this intimate love.

The saddest thing is you could be anything, that you could want.
We could have been everything, but now we're not.
Now it's not anything at all.
The hardest part was getting this close to you.
And giving up this dream I built with you, a fairytale that isn't coming true.
You've got some growing up to do.

I wish we could have worked it out.
I wish I didn't have these doubts.
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now.
I wish I didn't know inside that it won't work out for you and I.
I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye.

After the things you put me through, tell me why I'm still in love with you.
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call?
You broke my heart, I'm taking it back from you.
I'm taking back the life I gave to you.
Live goes on before and after you.
I've got some growing up to do.

I wish we could have worked it out.
I wish I didn't have these doubts.
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you're doing now.
I wish I didn't know inside that it won't work out for you and I.
I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye.

It's time I said my last goodbye.
It's time I said my last goodbye.
Goodbye...

-Superchick.Wishes

It's crazy how much this song relates to me. It totally speaks my relationship with Joe. I hope that my last goodbye has been said, and that I'm moving on.

So what I'm not your average girl.
I don't meet the standards of this world.
Chasing after boys is not my thing.
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring.

No more dating I'm just waiting.
Like sleeping beauty, my prince will come for me.
No more dating I'm just waiting.
Cause God is writing my love story.

Boys are bad, that's certainly not true,
Cause God is preparing one for you.
If you get tired waiting til he comes,
God's arms are the perfect place to run.

No more dating I'm just waiting.
Like sleeping beauty, my prince will come for me.
No more dating I'm just waiting.
Cause God is writing my love story.

Sleep. That's the only thing for me,
cause when I sleep, God's preparing one for me.

No more dating I'm just waiting.
Like sleeping beauty, my prince will come for me.
No more dating I'm just waiting.
Cause God is writing my love story.

-Barlowgirl.Average Girl

Instead I want to be singing this song. I want to have patience and know that God will send my guy right along, right when I'm ready.

And this week the trend was to not wake up till 3pm.
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend and slept away the rest of them.

And this week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again,
to practice the life that I pretend provides enough to get me through the weekend.

so I say, get me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave, you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

And this week the trend was to backstab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say, give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up.
cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by.
and what we take from this is what we'll get
and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up

-Relient K.This Week the Trend

Sometimes this song describes me a little better than I want it too. I waste so much time. I pray that I wake up and use my time wisely, because I want my life to glorify God and I'm surely not glorifying Him by sitting at the computer doing nothing, or on the couch watching TV. I pray that I use the resources I have been given to expand my knowledge and grow in my relationship.



Father God, just for today, help me walk your narrow way.
Help stand when I might fall, give me the strength to hear your call.
May my steps be worship, may my thoughts be praise,
may my words bring honor to your name.
May my steps be worship, may my thoughts be praise,
may my words bring honor to your name.

Father God, help me to see, your smiling face, right next to me.
Open up my heart's blind eyes, and lead me to your glory divine.
May my steps be worship, may my thoughts be praise,
may my words bring honor to your name.
May my steps be worship, may my thoughts be praise,
may my words bring honor to your name.

-Express.Just For Today

I try to sing this song to myself every morning. I think it's the perfect way to start the day, and get your focus on God. I like to take things day by day, because I often think to far, and get ahead of myself. I don't know what God has in store for me, so I have no right to make plans for myself, until I know what His plan is. If it's not what He wants, it's most likely not going to work out anyway. I pray that I start every day off on the right foot, and if for whatever reason I don't start on the right foot, I end on it.

God is Good, All the Time

Praise God for His amazing plans.

This summer wasn't off to the best start. I had doubts about what I was supposed to be doing. I swore that I was meant to use this summer to strengthen my relationship with Lisa before she left. Then the idea of the intersnship came up and I just knew that that's where God wanted me. When those plans fell through, I just didn't understand. God quickly showed me that there was a reason, when Summer asked me to come to Camp Concern with her. Boy was that one of the best decisions I made this summer. I had an amazing time praising God, meeting brothers and sisters in Christ, and growing closer to Summer. Camp Concern is such an amazing place. The park was beautiful. God was all around us all the time, and what's better than that? I met so many amazing people who I never would have met if it weren't for God working through Summer to get me there.

God is so faithful and I have truly seen that in the past couple months. Just when I start to doubt, He shows me that he has a plan for me. He knows what my life is supposed to be, and he knows how to get me there. I just need to have faith in Him and patience with His timing, and I will get there.

This past week working at Manatawny was awesome as well. I met several new people and grew closer to other people I didn't know so well. It still amazes me to see how quickly I can feel so close to someone after one good conversation or just being with them. Relationships built on a love for God are just so strong and encouraging.

I could go on forever about all the great memories I've made and all the people who have touched my life but it doesn't matter. What matters is that God is good. Without Him in my life I would not be who I am today, and I would not be as happy as I am right now.

Every day that I go through seems to make me even more excited for my future. I know that God has great plans for my life, and I can't wait to see them unfold. I pray that I stay strong in Him through this year, and that I shine His light. I pray that others see Him in me, and that because of that light, I can change lives.

When I'm in your arms, you squeeze me tight. You're the only one who does that just right; you make me feel safe, rid of my worries.

Worries that melt when you look into my eyes because your eyes are deeper than starry night skies. I could look forever and just get lost.

Lost in the feelings you've got my heart feeling. Bringing me to my knees I pray, as I'm kneeling, for my heart to be strong.

Strong in the fight that I know is love. As my heart breaks, He heals from above, which I knew He would do from the start.

The start of it all when I prayed for a sign, to show me which of the paths was mine and I took what I thought to be the right path.

The right path at that time and place cause in my heart I found a space that seemed within me to be growing.

Growing to make a gap where something else was missing. I thought it was for the one I'd been kissing but saw too late that I was wrong.

Wrong in the path and wrong in my thought. As I prayed for guidance that couldn't be bought, my gap was being filled.

Filled by the one who'd been through it all. Filled by the one who helped me stand tall. Filled by the one who answered my call.

My call for strength. My call for hope. My call for love...

I wrote this last night. I was up late thinking. That's what happens when he comes back. That's what happens when I even see his name. I wish it would stop.