Symphony

Three people were baptized into the body of Christ this weekend at OVU. I knew two of them. It's very encouraging to hear and it really makes my heart glad to know that God is moving in a place I've called home. I will rejoice in these new brothers.

On the other hand, my heart aches. My heart aches in knowing that great things are happening there and I'm not a part of it. My heart aches in knowing that so many people I love are growing closer and I am not. God is present on a campus when I am not there. Home became more home once I left.

Where is home anyway? I've thought that home was a place but not a physical place. Rather a place of emotional state because of the people and comfort and love. Now I'm realizing that it's not the people but the Christ in the people. It is God that is home.

So for many reasons, it makes sense to me that when I leave a place that didn't feel like home anymore, to come to my first home and find God again, that He now be at school when I'm gone. He's showing me. Maybe I've learned my lesson. It's not about me and what I can do. Or anyone else and what they can do. It's about Him.

For this I have one word. Bittersweet. It's hard to trust God in a time when I don't see him working in my life. It's hard to trust God when I'm at an in between and I'm giving it all up to him. It's scary because I'm taking a step but I don't know where I'm putting my foot yet. Right now might be bittersweet, but it's all part of the symphony.

Sometimes you have to rest for a few measures in order to give the full effect. The music is beautiful and you always want to be a part of making that beautiful music, but it's not always your time to play. Sometimes you have to sit and take in the melody while you wait to come in for the chorus. You didn't write the song. You don't know what's going to happen. I have to trust the one who did write it, and know that my part is perfect just the way he wrote it, especially if I've never heard the song before.

It's a bittersweet symphony. But something tells me that in the end, it will be more sweet than bitter.

Brother Jesus

Earlier today I was thinking about the different names that I personally refer to God as. 


I've always called him Father God in my prayers. I don't even know if I think about that or where it really came from. I guess it shows how I feel. Like God is my father but still my God. We're not close enough that I can just call him father. 


Of course I call him God. I say I love God or I love the Lord. I actually really like the phrase "love the Lord." I use it a lot, or at least I used to. "Does so and so love the Lord?" "You don't love the Lord." "I don't think you love the Lord." It's usually in a joking manner but sometimes it's serious. 


When I first realized that Christianity was about a personal relationship with God, I liked to refer to him as my redeemer, or my counselor. More recently I've liked to think of him as my comforter and my healer, because those are the things I'm needing most right now. 


But when I think of the times that I'm not okay with God recently, the times that I'm upset or hurting or feel like I need to get right, it's not with God or Father or my comforter or healer. My "problem" is with Jesus. I've told some of my friends that I need Jesus back or I need to love Jesus again. When I thought about that more in depth, I realized that I think in a small measure, I'm mad at Jesus. I hate to admit that because it sounds so awful. I mean he did so much for me, and I'm mad at him? but I'm just being real. 


I'm mad at Jesus as my brother, like a sibling rivalry type thing. I'm mad at him for being so perfect and doing everything right, so now Dad just pays attention to what he did, and nothing I do could measure up. I feel like I have to fill Jesus' shoes and some how one up him. I know that that's not possible. I feel like God loves me but Jesus was just being obedient to God and doesn't care about me. Jesus was just being a show off. Jesus set me up for failure.


But the truth of the matter is... 
1. I am a co-heir with Jesus. Co, as in equal, as in God loves me just as much because I am in Jesus. I participated with him in what he did when I participated in baptism. 
2. Well, honestly, I'm still trying to figure out the Jesus loves me part. I know the song and that it says "the bible tells me so," but I'm just not getting it right now. I mean obviously Jesus is one with God so he loves me and did everything he did for me, not just to be obedient to God or because it was why he was born, but I just gotta work through it. 


Maybe I just need to grow up a little bit and get over the sibling rivalry thing. 

From the Foot of the Mountain

This is something I have wanted to do, and known that I've needed to do for a while now but I just can't seem to. Life is full of distractions. I can't seem to find the time. I depend on my friends too much. So many voices speak into my life and I don't know who to listen to. So I want to turn down the noise, shut out the other voices, have nothing else to lean on and be one with God. I want to run back to Him and be whole again. 


That is part of a note I wrote to some of my closest friends to let them know of a journey I'm taking. I'm currently on what I'm calling a "friend fast" and tonight, I miss my friends. I kind of feel like writing here is cheating because my friends can read this but that's not the point. When I write, I'm sharing my thoughts and ideas with anyone and everyone... That's weird to think about. But it's true. Sometimes I share my cries and my prayers. 


I miss my friends dearly, because they are my support system. They are my sisters just as much as my real sisters are. They know me and they still love me. They know when I'm being stupid or selfish. They have held me as I cried. They have laughed with me until we all cried. 


Tonight, as I wrestle through what I means to be radically obedient and give up my life to live for God, I don't know where the balance is of friendship. Jesus had twelve close friends whom he loved. Whom he knew all about and still love. Whom he laughed and cried with. So I can too, right?


Right. But we can't get too comfortable. Our friendships need to push each other. We need to be the ones who will call each other out and say "get behind me satan." We need to be the ones who break down the walls and keep pushing until the darkness is brought into the light. If we can't be real with each other, who will we be real with? 


But still, at the end of the night, I realize that that's not where I am yet. I don't know myself, because I don't know God. I am made in his image and who we are, Him and I, is tied together. While I can learn more about God through my friends and see Jesus through their lives, I must go to God first. 


Today I started reading Radical by David Platt. It's great so far. He tells a story about a discussion with some Buddhist's in India. He shares with them how their idea of religion is that God is up on some mountain and there are many paths which lead to him and we can choose whichever path we want. But David asks them "What if that God could come down to you instead of you going up to him?" And they responded with, "That would be great." And he told them about Jesus. 


We are not worthy to climb the mountain to see God, but he sent Jesus to come be with us and make us worthy. So what I've learned about God, and myself today. Is that I need to make myself less, for the bigger picture. I need to meet people where they are. I need to love people enough to come to them and give up everything I have to make sure that they have the chance to know God. 

Love Conquers All

There's a whole bunch going on in my head right now. I'm sorting through all kinds of ideas about God and Jesus, grace and love, the law and salvation. Lots of things. My brain hurts. What's even worse is that I don't know how to articulate any of it to anyone. I wouldn't even know where to begin to share with you my thoughts. There's so much and it's all intertwined. It's messy and it's real... Kind of like Christianity, or at least what I think Christianity should be.


None of that really matters because that's all about me. What really matters is love... because that's all about Him.


God is love. Love covers a multitude of sins. The penalty of sin is death. Jesus conquered death.


There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.


Fear is from Satan. We are afraid of death because that is the penalty of our sins. But none of it matters because God is love and Jesus is God and Jesus beat death. Love covers it all. Jesus covered it all. We have nothing to be afraid of. Jesus was perfect love and He cast out fear for us.


For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.


Let Him perfect you in His love.

Crazy Beautiful

Last night I walked out of Walmart, in a fairly chipper mood, definitely thankful for God and the things He's doing in my life and just kind of happy to be alive. I looked up and there was a bright full rainbow in the sky. It was kind of weird because it was kind of late at night, like 7. I had never seen a rainbow that late at night. The other cool thing was that the sky was pretty cloudy and it wasn't really blue but rather orange, because as I found when I turned around, the sun was setting. So on one side there was a crazy beautiful rainbow and on the other, a crazy beautiful sunset full of vibrant oranges, pinks, reds, and purples. Needless to say, I was in awe of God.


Today I finished a book called Fall to Grace by Jay Bakker. It was a crazy beautiful book. Obviously it was about grace, which isn't something I've really thought about a whole lot, and frankly I've taken for granted. This book really made me think about it and it made me want to get out my bible and see what grace really is all about. Is this guy for real? because if he is, that's a God I want to know. That's a God I want to tell my friends about. That's the God I've been looking for. There were a handful of things in the book that I didn't care for so much, and towards the end he really pulled out one particular topic in which he sees grace to be necessary and that kind of bugged me because it wasn't really needed. As a whole though, the book was great and exactly what I needed to read right now.


I've begun an adventure. I'm soul searching. I'm diving into some ideas that have been swirling around in my head and I want to pin them down. I want to make them concrete and be confident in them.


Last night's sky pictures were crazy beautiful. Those are the best words to describe it. Sometimes God just touches. He speaks. He says, "I'm right here, with you always." When I think about it He does that a lot. He does it through some other things in my life that are crazy beautiful...

Friends who love me and encourage me to be the best version of myself, push me to be better... They are crazy beautiful. Each and every one of them, of you...

Crazy Beautiful.
The innocent laughter of my niece as she falls to her face and drops her cookie...
Crazy Beautiful.
A conversation about anything and everything between a mother and a daughter... Organic and healing...
Crazy Beautiful.
Shoes and shirts. Glasses and bracelets. People who come up with ideas to provide for those who are in need. People who give a voice to those who cannot speak up...
Crazy Beautiful.
A man crucified on a cross, the penalty of sins that he did not commit... Love unconditional, pure, and perfect... Grace unending...
Crazy. Beautiful.

Tonight I am thankful for so much. I am blessed and I pray that I can embrace grace and serve. I pray that it changes me from the inside out.

Peace, blessings, and amazing grace be with you.

Today, I want to be in heaven.

There are some days that I just don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Most days actually. I like to blame it on this thing they call "depression." You've never heard of it, I'm sure. Many people have probably been there. You've got a test and you didn't study, so you would rather stay in bed. You're fighting with your best friend and you couldn't stand to see her face, so you just want to close your eyes and go back to sleep. Every day at work is the same, so what's the point... just. go. back. to. bed.

With all of this, I think there is a deeper struggle. A struggle that involves forces and desires that are beyond us. Because when I think about it, my issue isn't with my job, or my co-workers, or the dreaded train commute. I don't hate copying and pasting numbers and watching Charmed all day. What I hate is that I'm not a part of something bigger. Yes, I am a part of a huge cable company that brings smiles and tears and laughter and all these wonderful things to the people who watch TV. But who cares? What I hate is that I'm conforming to this world and going through my day to day life without doing anything that shouts Jesus died for you!

I want to be a part of something real. I want to be the voice for a people who don't have a voice. I want to do something that matters. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus. And if I can't do that today, then I would rather stay in bed.

The struggle between my flesh and my soul is too strong. I'm tired of fighting. I want easy. So on days like today, easy would be to stop trying to make it in this world, and just be with Jesus. I could say I would like to die... which sounds dramatic and makes some people scared for my sanity or whatever, but I mean really, wouldn't you rather just be done and see Jesus? Yeah we all would, but that doesn't mean I should waste this life away wishing I were in heaven.

Even if all I do is smile at someone, it's something. It's a start. Being in this world makes not being of this world awfully difficult. So while I have a plan and a hope for my future, one that paints a picture of life spent in worship, I'm not there yet. Rip away the emotion and just take this for what it is, on days like today, I find no meaning in my life.

I could go on some rant about how everything we do matters, and we can take Jesus wherever we go and blah blah blah. That just doesn't seem real and today, in my doubts, it doesn't true. It's not enough. But I will leave with this... For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.


We can't push through life trying to get to heaven, we need to bring heaven here. We need to be Christ. I need to bring heaven here. I need to be Christ.

Love Wins. Pt. 1

We don't need fear, condemnation, or rules.


I know quite a few people who are stuck on this idea of balance. Let me tell you, I think balance is absolutely necessary. I think that everything is about balance. My problem is with pushing so hard for balance that you're completely negating the very thing you are stating. 


There have been several times that I have posted a facebook status about something to do with God's love, our faith, or more recently grace, and it has quickly been attacked with something like "there has to be balance. See scripture so and so." With love there must be a balance of discipline. Faith and works. With grace there must be a balance of obedience. While I agree with these things, when stating of the beauty of love, the importance of faith, or the power of grace, that does not mean that I find love, faith, or grace more important than discipline, works, or obedience. It does not throw off the balance and require someone to bring things back to the center. So when it is commented that with grace there must be a balance of obedience, you are just pushing the pendulum the other way. You take the focus off of grace, to bring it to obedience, which doesn't create balance but just moves the focus. Why can't a statement be made about grace without making comment to obedience? They don't always go hand in hand. We should know, learn, and understand each of these things individually. 


Really, I think that part of the problem is that we are born into a world and born into a predisposition. Whether it comes from the world or our families, our experiences or our lack there of. We are born into a family with parents who have their beliefs and those get pushed onto us. This situation looks different with every child, but seems to ultimately go one of two ways. Those beliefs are accepted and the disposition continues, or the boat gets rocked to the other side. Parents push their children so hard that they swing to the other side. Traditional parents raise children who become progressive. Free living parents raise children who seek structure and rules. Or in some cases people are born into situations without family or parents and those experiences shape them toward a direction. It all makes sense when you think about it. This isn't a new concept. The same thing happened with our parents and their parents. The generations are fighting each other but all seeking balance.


You see it's a matter of maturity. Fear, condemnation, and rules. 


There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Proverbs 1:7


A growing, mature relationship, with our Father, would confide in that perfect love rather than fear. A child fears their parents, while an adult grows into a loving bond with their parents.


Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. Romans 5:18
If the old way, which brings condemnation, was glorious, how much more glorious is the new way, which makes us right with God! 2 Corinthians 3:9


We don't need condemnation because we are justified in Christ Jesus. We don't need a ministry of condemnation, correcting one another and pointing out flaws, because there is a new way, a new ministry, which is much, much greater. Besides, we've all got logs in our eyes.


For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world— our faith. 1 John 5:4


Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1


It is in our faith that victory is found, and that victory has overcome the world.


Is not our faith in Christ Jesus and what he did for us? What he did for us by dying on the cross to take on and eliminate the sins of all people past, present, and future, and rising again three days later, to defeat the evil one. So our faith isn't only in Jesus, but in what he did. A faith in the elimination of our sins. A faith that believes there is no condemnation because we are in Christ Jesus. 




To be continued...