Brother Jesus

Earlier today I was thinking about the different names that I personally refer to God as. 


I've always called him Father God in my prayers. I don't even know if I think about that or where it really came from. I guess it shows how I feel. Like God is my father but still my God. We're not close enough that I can just call him father. 


Of course I call him God. I say I love God or I love the Lord. I actually really like the phrase "love the Lord." I use it a lot, or at least I used to. "Does so and so love the Lord?" "You don't love the Lord." "I don't think you love the Lord." It's usually in a joking manner but sometimes it's serious. 


When I first realized that Christianity was about a personal relationship with God, I liked to refer to him as my redeemer, or my counselor. More recently I've liked to think of him as my comforter and my healer, because those are the things I'm needing most right now. 


But when I think of the times that I'm not okay with God recently, the times that I'm upset or hurting or feel like I need to get right, it's not with God or Father or my comforter or healer. My "problem" is with Jesus. I've told some of my friends that I need Jesus back or I need to love Jesus again. When I thought about that more in depth, I realized that I think in a small measure, I'm mad at Jesus. I hate to admit that because it sounds so awful. I mean he did so much for me, and I'm mad at him? but I'm just being real. 


I'm mad at Jesus as my brother, like a sibling rivalry type thing. I'm mad at him for being so perfect and doing everything right, so now Dad just pays attention to what he did, and nothing I do could measure up. I feel like I have to fill Jesus' shoes and some how one up him. I know that that's not possible. I feel like God loves me but Jesus was just being obedient to God and doesn't care about me. Jesus was just being a show off. Jesus set me up for failure.


But the truth of the matter is... 
1. I am a co-heir with Jesus. Co, as in equal, as in God loves me just as much because I am in Jesus. I participated with him in what he did when I participated in baptism. 
2. Well, honestly, I'm still trying to figure out the Jesus loves me part. I know the song and that it says "the bible tells me so," but I'm just not getting it right now. I mean obviously Jesus is one with God so he loves me and did everything he did for me, not just to be obedient to God or because it was why he was born, but I just gotta work through it. 


Maybe I just need to grow up a little bit and get over the sibling rivalry thing.