There are some days that I just don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Most days actually. I like to blame it on this thing they call "depression." You've never heard of it, I'm sure. Many people have probably been there. You've got a test and you didn't study, so you would rather stay in bed. You're fighting with your best friend and you couldn't stand to see her face, so you just want to close your eyes and go back to sleep. Every day at work is the same, so what's the point... just. go. back. to. bed.
With all of this, I think there is a deeper struggle. A struggle that involves forces and desires that are beyond us. Because when I think about it, my issue isn't with my job, or my co-workers, or the dreaded train commute. I don't hate copying and pasting numbers and watching Charmed all day. What I hate is that I'm not a part of something bigger. Yes, I am a part of a huge cable company that brings smiles and tears and laughter and all these wonderful things to the people who watch TV. But who cares? What I hate is that I'm conforming to this world and going through my day to day life without doing anything that shouts Jesus died for you!
I want to be a part of something real. I want to be the voice for a people who don't have a voice. I want to do something that matters. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus. And if I can't do that today, then I would rather stay in bed.
The struggle between my flesh and my soul is too strong. I'm tired of fighting. I want easy. So on days like today, easy would be to stop trying to make it in this world, and just be with Jesus. I could say I would like to die... which sounds dramatic and makes some people scared for my sanity or whatever, but I mean really, wouldn't you rather just be done and see Jesus? Yeah we all would, but that doesn't mean I should waste this life away wishing I were in heaven.
Even if all I do is smile at someone, it's something. It's a start. Being in this world makes not being of this world awfully difficult. So while I have a plan and a hope for my future, one that paints a picture of life spent in worship, I'm not there yet. Rip away the emotion and just take this for what it is, on days like today, I find no meaning in my life.
I could go on some rant about how everything we do matters, and we can take Jesus wherever we go and blah blah blah. That just doesn't seem real and today, in my doubts, it doesn't true. It's not enough. But I will leave with this... For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
We can't push through life trying to get to heaven, we need to bring heaven here. We need to be Christ. I need to bring heaven here. I need to be Christ.
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